Academy Awards are pointless — and perfect

By AARON SAGERS
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When it comes to Oscar, I'm a grouch. I have long maintained the position that the Academy Awards is really just a trade show for pretty people. The outcome of the awards can definitely add buying power to some Hollywood names, and the winners of the big categories are given both a nod from their industry and a fancy statue (which I hope is really just an elaborately-designed key to some very exclusive VIP toilet).
There is clearly no value to the show for people not in the trade. Yet, I watch it every year.
I personally care about as much for the movie trade show as I might for a plumber's conference with "Joe The Plumber" as host. Off-hand, the most I can think of that I get from the speeches and glitter on parade is fodder for my fantasy video game, "Grand Theft Auto: Blood Red Carpets in Tinsel Town" (Rockstar Games, call me). The show is the equivalent of staring into an open refrigerator for something satisfying when I already know there's nothing substantial inside. I feel like I'd have more to gain by taking a trip to a Scranton-area Chili's for the annual Dundies over one to the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood.
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But I'll be glued to the tubes (both the TV's and the Internet's) for the lion's share of Sunday night.
For avid moviegoers who follow films, the nominated flicks already exist on a "Seen it" or "To see" list, so they probably don't care. Meanwhile, the casual watcher who hasn't previously expressed an interest in seeing "Benjie Button" or "Frosty Nixon" won't opt out of a "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" viewing to slap down a tenner for an "Academy Award winning film." Speaking of "film," since the awards largely celebrate those instead of "movies" - you know, those moving picture entertainment thingies you see just for, how do you say ... fun (see "Iron Man," "Forgetting Sarah Marshall") - there's no impact from the show on the weekend escapists.
So unless you're a Hollywood insider, or are personally invested in the career of Billy Bush, there is no real point to the whole affair. Still, I wouldn't miss it, and neither will many of you.
We watch because, in the absence of significant value, entertainment can still thrive. Just like there was bound to be some good times during the last ice age, any event as long as the awards show has to deliver a handful of entertaining moments that makes for bearable watching.
Maybe there was a time we watched to see celebrities speak their minds, or maybe it was to catch some of the more elusive famous faces emerge for a glamorous night on the town. But there is no such thing as an elusive celebrity anymore, and the ones that want to speak their mind blog it loudly, and speak to E! regularly.
Instead, I think the reason we're entertained by the Academy Awards is because it's the perfect one-shot chance to watch our beloved famed ones embarrass the heck out of themselves. It's the best night of schadenfreude all year long.
It's a joy to watch starlets thanking god and their parents while desperately trying to contain heaving bosoms in barely-there dresses. There's always at least one celeb who tries to make a statement and is angling for the Marlon Brando weird celeb-as-political activist award. The ill-conceived presenter team-ups often lead to bad jokes - delivered by A-listers - that land with a thud but make me grin. And aside from getting minute-to-minute updates on how Jack Nicholson is aging in those cut-away shots, once in a while audiences are treated to celebs acting awkwardly when they don't know they're on camera. There is also the human drama on display in the split-screen close-ups following the envelope opening when losing nominees reveal utter despair in that nanosecond before they tighten up those expressions.
I'm getting giddy just thinking about all of it!
This year, there's even more chances to watch celebs behaving badly. The show's producers are trying to make the ratings-challenged telecast punchier than Chris Brown and aren't announcing the award presenters before the show to build anticipation. This means there is a chance, albeit slim, we'll see Joaquin Phoenix break into an impromptu rap for all the best actors in the hizzouse.
Further, by going with song-and-dance man Hugh Jackman as the show's host instead of a comedian, audiences will be treated to musical numbers that seemed like a better idea in the planning meetings. Because Hugh Jackman is also the berserker mutant-hero Wolverine, could a showdown between him and the rageaholic Batman, Christian Bale, be in the cards?
At the very least, since lifetime achievement award-winner Jerry Lewis can't seem to appear in public without making a fool of himself, a few slurs and epithets will be guaranteed.
In short, the Academy Awards are still watchable because it's like the Super Bowl of reality TV. At the end of the night, we haven't learned anything and there is no resolution, but we have winners, losers and really big losers. There is absolutely no value to the show, and that's the point, because Oscar is the golden boy of pointless, voyeuristic entertainment.
Entertainment columnist Aaron Sagers writes weekly about all things pop-culture. He can be reached at sagers.aaron@gmail.com.